vision boards, intentions and walking on fire…

this is going to be a long post…so pick up your coffee, your tea or your cocktail and enjoy the ramblings of my mind!

no matter how many promises i make to myself (lose weight, blog regularly, reduce stress, go vegan), i always seem to slide back down the cheese-filled slope of disappointment. why is this? how can i look in my closet and see all the cute clothes that no longer fit and still stuff my face with salty snacks and ice cream? how can i buy all the gear for my punching bag and only do it for 3 days? why is it so hard to change my bad habits?

part of it is time management and work/life balance…i work a lot…i think about work a lot…part of it is cyclical…i work a lot and then i’m tired and by the time i get home, it’s all i can do to walk the dogs and make some food and then i just sit in front of the tv until i fall asleep (i’ve got a stack of unfinished books on my nightstand). because i’m not eating well (and i KNOW what foods i should be eating AND i work at whole foods – hello?), i don’t have the energy to get through the week. because i’m dragging my ass, i don’t have the inclination to go and hit the punching bag (although i must say, those 3 days were an amazing stress reliever).

i know all these things and yet, i can’t seem to shift my behavior. a good girlfriend of mine sent me an email (oh, that’s another one – not returning phone calls) about GNH (gross national happiness) vs. GNP (gross national product). you can watch videos here. i had heard a story ages ago about bhutan or another like-minded country whose government measured its success by GNH and i do think part of my malaise is cultural. we are a country of workaholics. this doesn’t mean we are more productive, just that we work too much and buy too much and have somewhat screwed up priorities. and now with the new economy, it’s even more intense – my friend who made a drastic career change was recently fired after spending the last year and a half training because he missed his state board exam by 1 point. 1 point! and did i mention? he’s in his 5os. i know a lot of my bad habits are rooted in this constant work work work and are paired with the american dream of owning my own business or breaking free of the grind…don’t even ask me about the farm fund…it’s become the emergency fund for paying unforeseen bills…yes, i’m talking about you, IRS!

so what to do? although things have started looking up for the irishman in terms of design gigs, we still don’t have the time or energy to spend real time together. i can’t even remember the last time we took a holiday. we don’t even think about getting away on a plane, now it’s just about finding the same days off to go to a museum or the beach. or recently, just asking for the same day off so we could go to a free baseball game where, of course, i spent the entire time eating cheese, crostini and olives…what is happening to me?

i remember when i started modernest. so filled with creative energy and vision and efficiency. of course, at the time i didn’t have a real job. my days were filled with what i wanted to do, when and how i wanted to do it. i was oh-so-productive! the weird thing is, i actually like my day job and i love the company i work for; but i’m unable to figure out how to get back to that free-wheeling creative girl i once was. i was talking to a friend of mine who is about to make a huge life change. she was talking about telling her friends to send good intentions to the universe for her to find a house, a job – all the things she will need. i have a lot of friends who are still on the vision board|everything happens for a reason|the law of attraction|the power of the universe life path. i must admit, i spent a lot of my adulthood in that oprah “follow your passion” neighborhood. she now says that “you become what you believe” and is working with tony robbins and other “lifemasters” to eliminate our fears and whatever other crap that’s holding us back from living our “best” life in her “lifeclass tour” (it’s free! and it’s online!). maybe i’m just not brave enough to live my life…maybe i just need to change my “lifestory” so i can live the life of my dreams…maybe i just need to buy more books (and not read them!)…

i still believe in collective energy (hell, look what happened when people got pissed off about pink slime – one of the major companies declared bankruptcy!), i think it’s more about doing rather than wishing it to be. but then i think, despite what has happened to this particular girlfriend (and it’s been a lot), she always manages to stay positive. to decide upon something and follow through with it – whether building a business or upending her life. so maybe the power of intention only works if you truly believe…or you invent “spanx”…or you walk through fire with tony robbins…or you win the lotto…who knows?

all i know is i want to change. i can see my life (land, dogs, farm, quiet…with access to a major city) and i know what i have to do (eat better, exercise, enjoy my friends). i just need to figure out how to get there and get those things done. so, in trying to get back on track, here’s your meatless monday recipe from sprouted kitchen. sara had posted a gooey and delicious grilled gruyère sandwich with sauteed chard, but the “new” me must avoid the seduction of cheese…and i have to admit, this garnet pilaf looks pretty tasty!